The world looks so much better right now. ;)

It has been a tough months for me. I have struggled a lot, just to satisfy myself. In the end, I was drown by my own mistake.

People might see that I was laughing all the time. Happy all the time. But, deep down inside me, nobody knows what had happened to me. Sometimes, I woke up in the middle of the night and I wandered around just to find what I want. Truly, this is a secret that I have never told anyone else.

I am confused.

For the last few weeks, I could tell you that I have no longer recognize myself. I did something really bad which I think I shouldn't do that ever and ever. Still, I don't find what I want. I can't feel the peace that I was looking for.

All this while, after my prayer, I will pray for my parents and myself. Usually, when I did those ritual, there was a feeling that I can't describe verbally. Some kind of 'sayu'. Can't find the exact word in english. Huhu. But, to make things worse, I never felt like that for about this past few weeks. My feelings towards anything : NADAA/NOTHING.

Strange is it?

I don't feel scared or guilty or even mad at myself for doing such bad things. I don't feel anything. And at that moment, I knew that I was in a big problem.

I'm starting to give up with myself. I gave up with everything in my life. Quite shocked until Sal told me that she saw me changed. And at that moment, again, I knew I was in a big problem.

The first person that I have told everything about my problem was Din. He was quite shocked and never expected that I was in this condition. He just stay still for a moment before saying anything. Never expected that I'm going to do something stupid. Then, I knew I should get some other help. And that's the time I met Anis.

I have never regretted told her about everything because I can feel that she can help me to go through all of this. She did, even not so much. As I told her what I did, she was so surprised and automatically threw me with all her stuff. Hehe. ;) I guess I deserved that.

I have avoided my family because I am afraid that nobody wants to believe me. I am afraid of everything. For about four days, I have became nomad. I stayed at my friend's place and didn't answer any phone calls from my siblings.

*sigh*

I am not running away from my problems. Nor running away from my family. The truth is I just wanted to tell my parents face to face. I just need some perfect time from this hectic week to go back to Melaka and told Ayah everything that I could.

Which,
I did today.

As I told everything that I have gone through for the past few months, I can feel that a huge burden was released from my chest. It was hard, but, I know what Anis is meant by "find someone so much stable like your father". I don't have to hold my tears anymore. It just burst out.

I told him everything. And i really meant EVERYTHING. He stunned for a moment. I cried like a child seeking for forgiveness. I don't know what else should I say instead of Sorry. As he held me into his arm, I was terribly sorry for what I have done. How could I do such thing to him? What did I do? How about his trust on me?

I cried over and over again.

I still can see the face of my father when I told him my problems. At first he was sighed over and over again. He looked at me and hold me right to his arm. The caressed of my father on my hair really touched me. I kept on blaming for what had happened to me.

*crying*

I went back to Shah Alam with a relief feeling. Hard but easy enough for me to deal with the rest of the problems.

Din told me that, "Aku tgk ayah ko sayang sangat kat ko. Risau sangat die dengan ko"
Din and Sal have escorted me to go back to Melaka. Discussed few things with my father. :(

Cuda : " Babe, aku rasa ko antara orang yang beruntung boleh cerita problem dengan Ayah ko. You should feel relief by now kan?"

And I did.

How thankful I am to have a wonderful family and supporting friends like this.

*sigh*

Wish me luck.

p/s : there are tonnes of grammatical error in this entry. pls ignore it. i don't give a damn to such things right now. tq.




With love,
F

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